STAG CITY

Network: First Match Date

I finally pulled the plug and went on my first match date, but not without serious hemming and hawing, and eventually one of my friends saying “Look, you started this, so go f*cking do it!” C, as I will call him, seemed incredible on paper, well traveled, a little older, working in solar technology (yay earth!), and from what I could tell, had a funny, quirky side (still rollerblades). I was perfectly happy with exchanging frequent match emails, mostly in the form of lists, so when the response on read, “hey want to meet up some time next week?” I froze. I hadn’t been on a first date in a long time, and I had NEVER gone out with a stranger before. What if he tried to KILL ME (kidding!)?

He mentioned the general area in which he lived, and I went to work on finding a place close by to his pad and my office. I chose an old favorite of mine, Lucky’s. Lucky’s is a dive-y type bar that plays great music, serves terrific food, and is nearly impossible to find if you don’t know where to look. We agreed to 6pm the following day.

Regardless of having an annoying cold and it raining, I tried to look my best and showed up at 5:59pm. After not seeing anyone I thought might be him, I texted him to let C know I was there, and sat down at the bar for a beer. 6:05, 6:10, 6:15 roll around. No C. I started to fidget with my phone, wondering if my service wasn’t working, wondering if he was lost, wondering if I was getting stood up. Finally, about halfway through my beer, C called to say he was there, and we met face to face. He was definitely handsome, a healthy mix of looking like each of the pictures he posted. He ordered a beer and we awkwardly stood there, a bar chair between us.

This is the part of the night where I lost my cool, and the word vomit began. I can’t tell you half the things I talked about, but there was lots of talking, on my side at least. I will spare the details, but my mouth was actually dry at the end of the night. He was a champ and laughed a little, talked about his many, many travels, and even suggested some places I should go. At the end of the night (we ended up getting food), he even offered to drive me back to my office, but I declined due to it being a beautiful night. I walked away knowing I wouldn’t hear from him again. I haven’t.

Regardless of the fact that I totally bombed on the date, I am actually fairly proud of myself. I went on a real life date with a real life adult and I didn’t implode with internal pressure.  I even learned a few things that I will use in the future:

1. Don’t have your first date in a place that will be loud. This makes it very difficult to talk naturally.

2. Don’t talk about work much, even if there are awkward pauses.

3. Wearing something that makes you feel confident, but is also comfortable, and doesn’t constantly need re-adujusting. This will only help you to fidget more.

4. Remember to take moments during your date to stop freaking out, smile, and breath deeply (don’t make it obvious).

5. At the end of the date, if you want to see them again, look them in the eye, smile, and tell them you had a great time. Hug for at least 6 seconds (if its not completely creepy). This is the minimum amount of time it takes for seratonin to kick in and give the feeling of connection.

Tonight, I will be stagging it up at the Boston Aquarium for their lecture series. This evening, it will be “Seven Tenths: Love, Piracy, and Science at Sea.” Check out the event here.

xo RMW

Introduction

Three years ago, I chose Boston to start my post collegiate adult life . I moved to the city to guarantee access to new interesting people, and new interesting activities. Three years later, after leaving my graduate school program to try out an exciting job opportunity, my adult life is starting to work itself out, that is, except for the meeting new, interesting people and trying out new, interesting activities. Any friends I had in town were all from college, and with no boyfriend to speak of, my social life was becoming pretty routine. People that have known me for a while understand that routine really has no place in my life, and, to be honest, I was starting to scratch the walls. The problem was I had no idea how to change my situation until, as fate would have it, I found an event I very much wanted to go to, that literally no friend of mine was interested in. I begrudgingly attended by myself and ended up meeting a few people, as well. That night, idea that sparked STAG CITY began to unfold.

By the end of 2009, I did that whole New Year’s resolution malarkey and decided that I would take on 2010 with a new challenge. I would go out into the city, find activities that I found interesting, and attend them. Solo. My hopes were that by attending these events by myself, I would…
A. force myself to talk to others and/or
B. force others to take pity and talk to me.

This blog is a detailed account of my rueful attempts to take Boston by the horns and start going stag. In the interest of full disclosure, I am actually pretty shy with a terrible habit of word vomit in social situations. I stutter in groups, fumble public speaking, forget names of people immediately after learning them, and almost always miss when giving a high five. Basically, if I can go out into the world and make friends with total strangers, anyone can.

Network: Match.com

I will admit, I am one of those people. I am one of those people that digs my heels into the dirt when it comes to online dating sites like plentyoffish, match, eharmony, etc. I mean, it is UNNATURAL, right? Regardless, I can’t discount the fact that there are staggering amounts of people using these sites every day to do one thing. To meet eachother.

I did some research on the general use of internet dating sites and found an interesting article on PsychCentral.com. According to research done in 2009 (Kim et. al), there are two types of groups that are more likely to join internet dating sites. Consider these two groups against the whole:

The research shows that two out  of the four groups illustrated above are more likely to use internet dating, and they are completely opposite of eachother.

• Group 1: People who have high self esteem and to whom romatic relationships are important. This makes sense, of course. Those with high self esteem assume they are ‘a catch’ and have few inhibitions about putting themselves out there. Romantic relationships are important to them, so why not try the internet because, well, they think they are awesome.
• Group 2: People who have low self esteem and to whom romantic relationships are NOT important. At first, this seems a little counter intuitive, but the article does a great job of explaining why this is so. I think it is important to first look at why the third group reprented on this chart does not tend to use internet dating as a tool to understand why Group two does use the internet.
• Group 3: People who have low self esteem and to whom romantic relationships are important. While this group is searching for love, they are not doing it online due to low self esteem. This is because their self worth is wrapped up in the process and emotionally, they have more to lose than say, someone with high self esteem, or somone that doesn’t care about relationships. Unlike Group 3, Group 2 is not particularly invested in finding a romantic relationship, they are ok with being single. Therefor, their emotional health is less affected than those in Group 3 who hold romantic relationships in high value.  Makes sense?

Obviously, this is over simplfying the whole cycle. I would say that I have a moderate sense of self esteem (good mirror days and bad mirror days) and a moderate interest in romantic relationships (sometimes I miss it, sometimes I definitely don’t). A few of my friends have puttered around these sites with varying degrees of satisfaction.

1. Friend (mid 20s) started a trial run of an internet dating site, immediately ‘met’ a guy that seemed interesting. He began to display stalkerish qualities. She had to block the guy on AIM.
2. Friend (mid 20s) bought a few months of an internet dating site (some are free, though) and went on a few dates with various people. Did not meet anyone of interest. She is now dating someone she met at work.
3. Friend (early 30s) has been on an internet dating site for some time He has had a few non serious relationships with people met on the site, but is mostly uninterested in those he meets.
4. Friend (late 30s) has been using internet dating sites for a while. She met someone whom she was interested in and found out that he actually went to the same highschool she had. They have been in a commited relationship now for several months.  
5. Friend (mid 20s) has used a few different sites, had a date or two with someone she met that fizzled out. She is now beginning to date someone she met in class.

So, now there is me. I chose to join (for free trial) Match.com. Match really stresses the idea of writing a profile that makes one stand out from all the others. Well?! This is just like applying to college. So I went on the web for help. There are SO MANY RESOURCES for writing an online dating profile, including a website called “onlinedatingmagazine.” Online dating has magazines?! With all the choices I was given, I chose my trusty favorite, ehow.com. Unsurprisingly, the article isn’t all that ground breaking. It mainly consists of advice like “be positive!” or “have an engaging headline” and leaving out the obvious, such as “I want to meet someone with a good personality.” Actually, the funniest, most intriguing part of the whole article is the comments section, where user gabrielleangel has posted many helpful ads for websites such as ‘asiandatingmall’ and ‘saigondarlings.com’. Anyways, so I kept it short and sweet and make a top five list of things that I would want someone to find out about me without having to brag (Get it??). I was still wary of posting a picture so I left it out.

Weeks later, no response. Match.com told me that my profile had been viewed 63 times and not a single email or wink. No winks?! Was my personality not enough?! Actually, according to almost every website I read, it never is. While most people are nervous about the stigma of online dating, you are something like 65% more likely to get responses with a picture. So, in the name of science, I posted a picture of myself. I posted a picture that is definitely of one of my better looking days. In my opinion, it looks like me, but it is a damn good version of myself. I mean, I don’t look like that right now, at 5pm, at work, after getting up too late to really do anything to my hair or properly iron my clothes, but I COULD look like that…if I had gotten up at 5am.

The response was immediate. Within hours, I had 6 winks, then 8 winks. By the next morning, less than 12 hours later, I had 11 winks and 3 emails. Now, I can’t read any of the emails yet because I am still a free user, and beyond that, I was pretty skeptical. Who were these match members trolling the website at all hours, just waiting to bombard new members with winks and emails?! I scrolled through my accumulated winkers. They were all reasonably attractive, mostly within my age range (with the sole exception of a crazy looking 50 year old man that was probably actually in his 70s), and seemed somewhat interesting. None of them would I consider responding to. Except for one. He was 29 years old, lived in the section of Boston next to mine and was pretty cute from his picture. He had lived in Australia for a few years, loves road trips and traveling in general, and is an aerospace technician. Immediately my mind screamed at me “HES AN ASTRONAUT.” All kidding aside, he seems pretty cool. Like, cool enough to meet. I still have my reservations about this, part of my brain might always be hardwired to think “online dating is for lame-os!” But stay tuned, because I TOTALLY winked back.  ;)

xx, r

LOCATION: Great Scott EVENT: Two Door Cinema Club

I double booked this past weekend. I double booked a really fun event with a bunch of friends against the Two Door Cinema Club show that I had planned attend stag style. I stressed about it for two days, building pro and con lists for both choices.

Fun Event with Friends PRO:

1. Fun
2. Going with Friends
3. Will get to wear ugly 80s clothing
4. Will see people I haven’t seen for a long time
5. Will get to dance

Fun Event with Friends CON:

1. Will have to drive to Portsmouth
2. Possibility of drinking too much to get home afterward
3. Tickets are more expensive.
4. Will probably wear high heels
5. Might see people I feel awkward around

Concert PRO:

1. I will see one of my new favorite bands before they get really big. 
2. I already bought the ticket
3. I will have something to write about on this blog
4. I will dance
5. I might meet new people
6. I havent been to Great Scott much, so it will give me a chance to explore
7. It’s right down the street so I can walk

Concert CON:

1. I have to go alone
2. I haven’t been to Great Scott much, so I won’t know where to hide
3. A bunch of other bands playing, so it will go late
4. I will feel awkward in-between bands.

Well, since you already know the outcome, I will spare the drama. I ended up going to the show. I tried to time it perfectly, getting there over an hour and a half late in hopes of only seeing the band I was interested in watching. No such luck… I got there right at the beginning of a very long break between bands. But thats the point, right? To be forced into meeting people. So, I walked down into the club and immediately went for the bar. I always think that even if you aren’t drinking, people more relaxed when they are holding a drink.

But before I could even put in my order, I was suddenly accosted by a group of people. They were all sort of yelling at me and pulling on my shirt, smiling and laughing. It took me a fearful second to figure out what was going on. That night, I was wearing my new favorite shirt (Giant gingham shirt from JCrew), and it just so happened that another guy there was wearing the male version (Secret Wash lightweight point-collar shirt in large gingham from JCrew) of the same shirt! The difference was that I am a spritely 5 feet 8 inches to his at least 6 feet 4 inches. We certainly looked like quite a pair as he smiled and laughed and I looked dazed and scared in the pictures all his friends were taking. I learned his name was Brennan, I met his friend David who was visiting from New York, and also a few other people in their crew whos’ names I can’t remember.

Brennan’s crew seemed to also know two other guys at the show who I was introduced to a little later. They were much younger, definitely still in college. but were nice and fun to talk to. We chatted for a little while before I decided to head into the pit for a better vantage point and to better hear the band going on 3rd, Bad Veins. I was really impressed with their two person set.

Right before Two Door Cinema Club came on, the two younger guys joined me in the corner. It was great to watch the set with them, and the band put on a great show all while being very humble. They played all the songs I wanted to hear and a few more that I wasn’t as familiar with. The moral of the story is I ended up with some bruising, pulled out my styled hair, and got real sweaty.

I made a quick exit after the show, with only a brief goodbye to all the people I had met. Part of the group was heading to The Estate, because (apparenly) one of their fathers was the co-owner. I wearily made my way home for a much needed sleep session. So far, this event hasnt produced any lasting friendships, but it felt good to talk to people and have a completely fun and random night. Now, if only I could see those matching shirt pictures once they are posted on facebook…

xx, stag.

Relevant Links:

Two Door Cinema Club

Bad Veins

Great Scott